woke up cup of coffee on the porch showered went to restaurant for breakfast with mom and sister planned to work on stuff at the cafe they started arguing at breakfast and made each other upset sister wanted to go home i was frustrated mom did her work at cafe i drove safia home blasting house music came back to the cafe angry at lack of focus. i had a conversation with eva, my mind was occupied by instagram and open loops with text messages and work and school, and sat there and couldn’t focus.
i was angry about the state of my mind. i wanted peace. focus. control over my time.
i talked about this with my mom. after she finished, we went home, i was planning to walk and go workout and reset, and my sister would go with my mom to an event for eid.
my sister crashed out when i said i wasn’t coming, and i went along because they kept saying it was my last day in chicago etc.
went along. saw a bunch of people i knew from the past. it was fine. my sister went with her friends. my mom went with her friends. not sure why they felt it so necessary that i come. i suppose complications like this come with the territory of having people engrained in your life.
seeing old friends and girls were fine, amusing, slightly nice. but i was mad. i am mad.
i experience anger when the foundation isn’t strong. of my soul. generally, that’s taking care of my mind and training it, doing the same for my body, and working on making something wonderful. then, everyone is a bit of a disturbance. or feels like it. i have no desire to socialize in that state.
came back home. was angry at the lack of focus in this day, in this time period. i went for a walk. it felt imposible to escape the brain fog, feeling of poisonous comfort. but i walked, went to my old gym, i hit 225 on bench for 10 reps and did 18 pullups, and left.
it was beautiful outside.
i continued walking. walked home, got my bicycle, and went biking. this was dusk.
i felt so much peace coming into me as i biked. i felt 15 again, when i was working on beau flaneur, the daily charlatan, watching wes anderson movies and reading books and going into nature for hours every day, i felt that again.
i stopped by the lake, and layed down on my back in the grass next to the water, watching the sky turn into a dark blue and then light purple. the stars became more apparent. the crsescent moon was there. a pair of birds flew past.
and i just layed there, for i don’t know how long.
and my mind began to expand again. i felt space. i felt like i could think and breathe in my mind. ideas began to come to me. solutions. it was lucid.
i asked my self, what action would bring me the most peace? i proceeded to open my phone and deactivate my instagram, and just felt so much more peace in my mind. like a constant hum of noise had just disappeared.
and i continued to lay there, listening to film scores, feeling the peace flood into me. and i could think clearly. and i had hope to return to that childish state. the creative overflow i had just a few years ago, before ig reels and claude and gpt and the noise began to erode my mind.
and i’ve decided to return to that state.
to fuck the noise, and find my way of making something wonderful. of enjoying these moments. experience more awe at my everyday life. to stop consuming life through a screen and rather enjoy life through experience.
safe to say, i feel so much better than at the start of the day.
and this was necessary.
i’m finding clarity, i’m returning to the roots that made me blissful, and i’m going to stop inviting the lives, opinions, noise of so many other’s lives into my attention. it’ll be combat creatif and playfighter.
the books, movies, walks, reading, journaling, the space, the boredom, the sketches, etc.
all of that will be returning expeditiously.
also, before my walk, i saw a post talking about how ai was going to take over all of these professions with coding and techincal and science and finance and all that, which was fucking noise that fucked up my mind like damn what am i goonna do etc,
so as i was outside, i began to ask ?but do you know what ai can’t to?” and try to come up with answers. make love, enjoy ___, make art that moves, make something that people love to use and feel happier with, etc.
i believe, with this gap semester / year (not sure if i’ve said that i’m going ot take one yet) but i believe that instead of all this noise, ai social media likes reposts shares mrr bullshit,
my main concern
is again, to be an artist.
to create beautiful things, which carry a message, feeling, or power into your life.
so i’m excited. for the clothes, the clarity, the combat, the training, the writingggg and readinggg and watching moviesss and the elimination of scrolling thru the lives of people idgaf about who dgaf about me.
that ain’t what we here to do.
we here to create. and live. and love.
grateful to start reflecting every day again.