BRAHHHHHHH THIS SHIT CRAZYYYYYYYY
i'm just so happy rn. when ur weird when u want an interesting life there are going to be times where you feel so incredibly low and lost and confused, but you continue
and there are times when you just feel SOOO FUCKINNGGG GOOOD & EXCITED.
like we always talk about when you see dreams come true, chase your dreams and shit,
but bro like being a 19 year old watching it slowly come to fruition is fuckin insane. like i get goosebumps i just feel happy and i feel alive.
you dream you can do more. you dream you can make an impact. you dream you have friends who UNDERSTAND YOU. who truly make you feel seen, heard, understood, inspired. fuck it, you dream you can be "THE GREATEST" whatever that means you dream of living somewhere that moves you you dream of watching your dreams come true.
THAT SHIT FEELLS SOOOO GOOOD ELHAMDULILLAH WOW.
that's how i'm feelin.
what actually happened?
finals ended, finished, i hope i passed my classes, i think i did, like 85% sure i'm good, submitted the verci take-home then i slept, i slept gooooddddd,
i woke up, worked on my art / combat direction, then i went to the gym, hit an insane workout, then i talked with jaden and the birds. it felt beautiful.
i was talking about marketing, building brands, web design, i was breakin it down for the birds at qahwah house over some tea, and i felt excited talking about it.
i saw them excited as i explained the concepts too. that shit felt good.
i talked about combat, i showed the magazine and what purpose the products/designs served and what i'd like to do over my lifetime,
and they asked about one of the pieces, the lockedin shirt. i said we sold it, for like 80 bucks.
noah said "that shit gon be worth a lotttt some day. when u blow up."
jaden said "i'd be surprised if he made it through nyu without exploding and just droppin out like this shit don't make no sense"
i said i appreciate the glaze, but i believe it takes a lot more work and a lot more time than that. at least i expect it to.
but it felt good. when people get close to me, they show me such immense love. such trust that i have something to contribute.
i can't let that go to waste.
jaden took me aside and said "you're getting scary bro. like i feel like i'm getting scary but you're getting reallllyy scary, and i really need to be around that energy. and i'm not afraid to admit that."
again, whenever i hear such reflections from people in my life, my mother, my sister, my high school teachers, random strangers i meet on the subway, my close friends, my random friends i talk to in nyu or in high school, the girls i've been intertwined with, it somehow surprises me.
what jaden said surprised me.
but it's getting to the point where it only surprises me a little. i think i'm beginning to understand the power that i have as a human. through creativity, through love, through contribution. i'm starting to realize that i have a LOTTTTTT OF POWERR. the reason that's not egotistical is because i know you have it too.
it's just that most people don't KNOW it, or don't ACT like it.
i KNOW it now. so i can't afford to NOT ACT LIKE IT.
i was talking to jean-luc actually, yesterday, and he was asking about new york city. i told him how it felt, who i run into every week, what i see,
and he pointed out
"it must be so crazy being so close to where shit is happening." "don't let it slide"
don't take your geographical fortune for granted.
so to think that people close to me see the vision, that i see the vision, and that i am in a place where i can make that shit happen, with literally EVERY FUCKING THING I NEED - is an exciting place to be at.
i forget that sometimes.
but mannnnn i been REMEMBERING RECENTLY.
having coffee with jaden and his friend sergio, who's about to go on a europe tour for modeling, bro's on fuckin magazines and campaigns and shit and we all just choppin it up about how to stay healthy and enjoy life, having free coffee's cuz the barista fucks with us on some shit
then having technyu snipe me to join the design and marketing, bro i ain't even ask for that shit, it's just a dope community
then applying to verci on a whim, they fuck with it, and they invite me for the interview.
so that's where i'm just coming back from as i write this.
and it was beautiful.
just the process of seeing dreams materializing, slowly, bit by bit.
like you dream of having a company one day. of making beautiful products and stories.
and now i walk in, and i get to talk about stuff i made (past tense), i get to show the ami the magazine i made on no sleep skippin school in community college just from excitement, and he FUCKS WITH IT, asks me for a copy, i said "this is for you."
he said it was inspiring.
and then he's introducing me to people.
"hi, i'm ali"
"hi, i'm eileen"
"hi, i'm ali"
"mino, nice to meet you"
so on and so forth.
i'm talkin to these mfs i saw in my screens, thinking "i could do that, i want to do shit like that" and if i'm completely honest, i wouldn't say this, but i often thought "I could do better than that."
and now i'm just CHILLIN w these mofuckers in NYC?
i was chillin with ami (verci founder) on the couch at the end, he's flipping through my magazine saying "this is so dope" and he talks about his life, how he got to this position, and i'm saying "i've said all those things to myself and to my friends before too. same shit. except one part. you say 'and i did all these things' and im saying 'im going to do all these things'". he's 24. so 5 years ahead of me.
i can't wait to see what i can do in 5 years. or 1,000 days, if we talkin about this challenge.
i looked around, so happy. i saw a scene from this photo in one of my vision boards. sitting in a room with dope ass furniture and vibes and cool people, one corner people conversing, another one with people locked in coding some shit, i walk in on this mf showing a demo of a beautiful ipod inspired app.
like this genuinely just my day to day life.
and SUCH A FUCKING SHORT TIME AGO, this was all like vision boards and moodboards and just a faraway mirage it felt like i was chasing.
i'm really seeing how things add up in a small bit by bit manner, into a life you envision.
every workout, every little project, every little post, every video, every experience, EVERY FUCKING PIECE OF THE PUZZLE, if you hold the vision in place, comes to fruition.
this shit is fucking crazy.
i'm blessed.
i'm sure things will be harder sometime. i'm sure they'll be difficult.
but i am excited for the future. for the joys and the fuckups and all.
because i really like this - living with dreams. building cool things. meeting cool people. NEVER FUCKING SETTLING.
i wanna thank my past self for being ABLE to fade people who didn't make me feel loved or inspired, for fading environments that i felt i was comfortable but stagnating in, for trusting my intuition and only working on shit that I PERSONALLY THOUGHT WAS MEANINGFUL TO MY LIFE rather than SUCCUMING TO THE NPC LIFESTYLE OF FOLLOWING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE TOLD ME TO DO.
my life is so much more interesting, beautiful, meaningful for it. it feels like this is MY LIFE.
i have been blessed with all the means necessary to pursue my highest and most beautiful visions,
and to spread that energy into the world .
as i type these positive words, i feel a bit of a tug within me, like calm down, don't let yourself get this excited or happy, don't trust it, everything could get fucked up.
but i think that's the part of me that slowed me down in my 19 years alive. i STILL MADE IT HERE despite all that, i STILL BECAME THIS DOPE ASS FUCKING PERSON, but i feel like, if i want to hit the milestones and the physique and the connections and make the fucking beautiful contributions i seek to in the timeline i desire,
i don't think i can afford to slow down for the part of me that doubts. that fears.
fuck you gotta fear for? nothing real.
so i'm just going to murder that scared tumor inside of me, and just fly.
i'm excited. i wonder what's going to happen next.
i just know that i'll never stop, now.
this has been enough reinforcement from the universe to get me through the next 3 decades of sculpting and building my dreams.
i make plans. god laughs. i get up, i try again, start a new plan. god smiles. i adjust, reflect, make a new plan, and work harder, harder, harder, god agrees.
i hit whatever plan i made that third time, thinking "okay this was the right plan after all."
but that ENTIRE PROCESS was already in god's plan.
that's all it is.
so yeah.
i won't stop.
––– i know that's a dope place to end it, but one more thing about fonts & bitches.
i ain't find a lady i love yet. there's been some false alarms, false opportunities, but i genuinely AIN'T TRIPPIN WHATSOEVER.
I LIKE ME. I'M IN LOVE WITH ME. I'M IN LOVE WITH LIFE. I'M CONCERNED WITH BUILDING BEAUTY. BEAUTIFUL PHYSIQUE, BEAUTIFUL CRIB, BEAUTIFUL WORK, BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIPS, BEAUTIFUL MIND, BEAUTIFUL LIFE.
JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE OUTSIDE OF MY CONTROL, I TRUST MY BEAUTIFUL LIFE WILL ATTRACT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
and maybe some beautiful not-wifes. that's a future endeavor tho.
i ain't trippin.
i ain't find a lady i love yet, but today when i was workin on combat's web design, i found the fucking perfect font.
and that shit made me happy to the point i was surprised something like that could make me so happy. or excited.
but it did.
and it's feelings like that, it's days like today, that tell me
despite all the confusion and reflection and feelings and sadness and solitude and doubts and moments of stumbling (as you've seen so far from my journals)
despite all that,
maybe even BECAUSE of all that, and because of all these moments of pure excitement and love toward life,
i have complete and unwavering trust that i am on the right track.
and i won't stop.