impact

i’m glad i made this because it makes it hard to move through life on autopilot

at least once a day, i need to sit and think about where i’m at and what i’m doing

and in a public space, even if it’s just to the 3 friends who know about this site and care about it

last night i slept at 12 after having another late night “what should i do with my life” with claude,

i woke up at 5am, fell asleep smh, woke up at 9am

then i started reading shoe dog again. abdul’s copy. and i realized that is the energy and mode i need to enter in my life.

i thought about abdul - i’m so grateful god introduced us. and i’m really excited to see both of our stories unravel. i still feel that kanye virgil / kanye pharrell duality playing out

after doing that, i just sat down with my sketchbook and thinking about combat créatif, and when sketching i just missed the design language of my brand from highschool, beau flaneur.

i actually created so much beautiful work for that, which no one has ever seen.

i actually debated / felt torn between combat (créatif) and beau flâneur for what to work on going forward.

but combat has a mission, a message, a philosophy, an actual impact in the world which i deeply resonate with - to feed the creativity of other humans.

i feel like i do that in all my closest relationships, naturally. like i WANT to. i meet someone, they say they want to try this or i see them think deeply or have good taste, and i’ve lost track of how many times i’ve told someone “you should start writing” “you should start making videos” “you should go for it” “what do you really want to do?” “check out this thing that inspired me, you’d like it”

that’s what i fuckin do bro. and i love it. i love that about being me.

i feel like the idea of combat créatif is an extension of that.

so despite how beautiful beau flaneur is, combat créatif needs to be the necessary maturation of that.

getting carried away with combat designs (which is dangerous but feels like a good sign. if i have something like that, i think that’s a good sign, no matter how it affects my grades or my attention. to have something like that is fucking rare) i skipped my class (again) and headed to the city, got coffee, and sat down to continue sketching. i was supposed to finish my final paper today (due in 3 days). but i just kept sketching.

i bought combatcreatif.com as a domain for 3 years, i set up the site to redirect there (and i’ll be re-making the site soon).

i went to carmela to get brunch and work, but i ate the food and couldn’t focus.

i went to the nyu library, sat down to work on my paper and really hated the vibe. idk. i didn’t like it there.

i left and went to qahwah house, got a cup of tea, and sat down to write my paper.

this was 4pm. then jaden asked me to lift at 5pm, and i found abdul’s new substack post, and i was like fuckkkk thisssssss.

i don’t want to jump through this academic hoop today.

i just decided to have my tea and enjoy the hour, and i really enjoyed abdul’s substack. it actually made me so happy.

i realized this pattern in my life - the people i was close to, inevitably, become much more creative. like i was saying, i have had so many experiences where the conversations i have with someone seem to be like seeds where they later come and tell me “i started this” or “i decided to make this” and that shit makes me soooo happpyyyyy. it makes me happy to see jaden make more and say he feels better too.

that’s the difference i want to make in this world. and shit, not to self-aggrandize, but i SEE myself MAKING it in my daily interactions.

i want to do it at a massive scale.

i want to do it as my life’s work.

and that’s why, philosophically, existentially, there is a clear answer to deciding between beau flaneur and combat creatif. there is a clear bias between doing homework + chasing resume lines vs. sketching designs and logos and ideas and writing this blog and making youtube videos and dreaming. there is a clear vision of a life and an impact and a portfolio that i want to create in my remaining 80 years alive.

so i said fuck the paper, i’m going to read this, and i was so happy.

i went to lift with jaden, had dinner, i talked with patty, who told me:

he’s been avoiding hanging around me because whenever i’m there, we all talk about our deep truths, we talk about our dreams, we talk about taking control of life and making positive change and finding wealth and health

and when he feels scattered lost and misaligned, it’s uncomfortable and damn near embarassing to be around me.

the truth is - and these journals should be proof of this - i don’t have all my shit together too. but i have self knowledge. i have direction. and when i struggle with things, i don’t run away. i confront them. i made this so that i could confront myself or check in with my self every FUCKING day for 1,000 days. to ensure i don’t let myself slip and stay down.

and that’s probably the major adjustment/lesson i think i learned today.

it’s that i truly AM the following things:

• creative
• disciplined
• intelligent
• insightful
• curious
• determined
• eccentric
• unique
• impactful. i truly have the power to make a positive difference in other people’s lives, and so do you.

and if i can do that just being me and going through my day, shit, i might as well build a fucking company that does it. and a movie. and a book. and a community. and a life.

and if i affect people, then people definetly affect me.

so the flipside of that lesson today (that i have an impact) is that other people impact me.

so i talked to rohan in the gym today, and he just fucking studies and does gym all fucking day, zero partying, zero going out, it’s all things that either benefit him as a student, benefit his career, or benefit his body.

and i talked to andrew sun today in the student dining hall, who said he watched my youtube video and read my substack (his girl was there and said they read it together which is sweet and funny), and he said he knew maggie too and he talked about how fucking cracked she is with the work and pushing herself,

and i remembered that i need to be around people like that.

that it’s nice to inspire, to be a helping hand for others to find their way and find alignment with their true selves,

but that my OWN journey isn’t over. it JUST fucking started. so i need to prioritize my vision and my mission, that means put my objectives for each day FIRST AND FOREMOST, BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE, and i haven’t been doing that recently.

if you can see from this blog, i didn’t accomplish much today, but there were a lot of internal narratives and interesting ideas and moments, but that’s a fucking given.

the important thing is that i didn’t accomplish much today. and i only have 996 days left.

so i need to be around people who make ME feel inspired, challenged, who make ME push beyond my boundaries, who make ME feel like i should be doing MORE, not less, where we all naturally bring out the BEST IN EACH OTHER.

i’m going to the MoMA with maggie on the 14th, i’ll meet with mihir and rohan before break, i’ll join tech@nyu and the startup team at the entrepreneur’s exchange club, i’ll continue working on combat créatif and writing these blogs and making youtube videos and sharing my ideas on instagram (even though it’s emotionally frightening and draining, i need to push thru the fear of being seen if that’s the cost of making a creative impact)

and i’ll lock the fuck in for finals because school is the container in which i’m allowed all this time to explore and grow and make connections,

and after 17 years of school and all the shit that allowed me to life the age of 18-22 in NYC as an NYU student,

i didn’t come here to get all excited and fuck it all up and fumble the bag.

so even though today was beautiful, i learned an interesting lesson, i enjoyed my day,

i didn’t go to class, i didn’t write my paper, i didn’t study for my finals.

and i can’t let that continue.

i won’t let that continue.

tomorrow, i’ll write and finish my paper. i’ll do a call with the startup week people i’ll work out i’ll write my blog and i’ll work on combat

and as the semester closes out, i’ll continue to study for finals, which i will succeed and demolish as i have always done

and i will end out this semester,

clearer on my purpose, my priorities,

i will have finished my first 4 months in nyc, having worked through a lot of emotional complexities i had to figure out, having surpassed the temptations of lust and destructive behavior and conformity and times of loneliness which i first experienced coming here,

cuz i be figuring shit out bro on god

i’ve figured so much shit out and i’ma just continue doing that

excited to do the work, excited to push myself harder, excited to step back into my higher self after taking a bit of a hiatus

and yeah that’s where i’m at in my last few days of being 18.

love y’all. peace be upon you.