i’m turning 19 tomorrow.
what do i want for my birthday?
the first thing that comes to mind is, i want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the man i said i would become by now.
from the looks of things, i’m not getting that.
but i’ll take the next best thing. which is to wake up, and get clear on what i want for my 20th birthday, and to send that energy into the universe, blast that shit into the universe in full effect, to embody the rhythm and self which will grant me that gift of looking in the mirror and seeing the work of art i sought to become, and to honor and release all the frequencies and beliefs which have been holding me back.
i spent some time this evening thinking about how i want to spend tomorrow. i’m not going to study for my finals. shit ain’t important.
what’s important is life. what’s important is honoring and noticing and acknowledging and making good use of the passage of time.
human life is a blip. death is promised. it’s this, and then it’s heaven.
why you on earth?
that's the type of timing i'm tryna be on tomorrow. be intentional. be reverential. be elevated, thoughtful, reflective, to pause and spend time with where i've been, to see really where i am, and to make note of where it is i deeply truly want to go.
i have my flow, i believe.
i’ll wake up, have my coffee, look at my dreams, pray, and i’ll take a shower. it will be a slow and thoughtful morning. i will not open social media or any fucking noise. it will be coffee, thoughts, god, my books, my journal, and my dreams. ` then i'll shower, put on my birthday suit, whatever i want to feel like that day. i'll head to la colombe, get my americano to stay please, put some honey on that jawn, and sit down, and write.
write everything i can write dawg. where i've been at. what i learned. what i want. what i need. what i hate. what i don't want. how i want to move. who i truly am. how i want to be. what the difference between those is.
i’m going to write, and i’m going to design a life. create and imagine new ways forward. make my dreams refined to the degree of crystal clarity i can manage given all the experience and knowledge i have now.
writing, therapy, establishing my systems & agendas.
i’ll assume jaden’s free, but if he’s busy for any or all of these, i’m down to do all the following alone:
if he pulls up on me at la colombe, talk for a bit, and head to get some delicious brunch. high protein some avocado some delicious shit.
then i want to go to soho, and find attire which befits the legendary life i am in pursuit of cultivating. perhaps a tooth gem, earrings. hit the Aimé Leon Dore store, and acquire a piece that my highest self would rock. a watch, a jacket, a wallet perhaps.
i’d grab a little beverage from Café Leon Dore. then go for a beauuutifullllll steak dinner at la balthazar or some other joint in soho. a dinner of a classical respectable high-integrity high aura man and his equivalent brother in arms. and just feast with absolute sophistication.
then i’d go to qahwah house, grab a pot of chai, and bear my soul. to be more truthful than i have ever been, to wear my hopes dreams fears on my sleeve, to speak with absolute conviction on who i am becoming, put that energy into the universe, to give this day as my last confession of who i have been and how certain aspects have been hindering my felicity and flourishing in this life, and to honor and give voice to those parts of my existence, so as to let them go and step forward. to tell someone i trust how i really feel, what i really think, what i really want, what i’ve really been scared of, and the fact that i don’t intend to let fear stop me from doing anything i set out to do. i just want to employ courage and truly bare my soul. to speak my deepest truths. to the point of tears, really, is the goal.
then wipe the tears, grab some fruits, some delicious aligned goods,
then head to the crib with bro, make another pot of green tea with mountain clover honey, whip out the fucking healthy snacks, and watch a beautiful film, befitting the chapter i, he, we are about to enter in our lives.
that’s how i want to spend my birthday.
and then to fucking demolish the rest of the year, astonishing any spectator or fbi agent watching over my life and even really shocking the shit out of my own observing conscience.
but it really probably wouldn’t shock me, because deep down, my soul really knows.
i really feel it. why else do u think i talk like this? why do u think i think like this? why do u think i behave like this? why do u think i make all this? why do u think i really do all this?
because deep down, i know. it’s just scary, and it’s a challenge to bear all that weight.
but i’m done being afraid. i’m done playing small. i’m done hiding from the authority, power, and ability to impact which god has blessed me in incredible abundance with.
and that’s what tomorrow’s about. acknowledging that.
and accepting it.
fully.